i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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