Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
