Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
