dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
