if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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