I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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