I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's official drugs can't kill me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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