Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
