I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
