You're a womanizer and a bitch.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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