i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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