A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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