watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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