4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
