you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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