"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
