It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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