Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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