im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
