Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
