I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
