You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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