i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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