my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
