The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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