Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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