Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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