Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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