Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
