whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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