my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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