Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
