I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
