You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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