I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
