Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
organizing the empties. That sober.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize