you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Randomize
