the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
