we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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