positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize