Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
