Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
