Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
