I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
