So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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