just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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