i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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