I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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