I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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