tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He shit in the fireplace
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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