i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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