i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
