I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
