i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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