You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
