youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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