guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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