WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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