can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
