I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
