yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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