Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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