It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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