Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
