I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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