new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I die, sorry about rent.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize