can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
