we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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