Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
