The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
