So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
