Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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