I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
